The thoughts of a lonely man

We actually prepared for this, prayed about this and dreamed about this, but you can never tell you can hurdle the pain of being left alone when things are now moving before your very eyes.

I am used being alone. I live with it. But being alone when in fact, you don't have to, is more difficult. How can you tell yourself you are not alone? How do you convince yourself? Rather how do you fool yourself?

When Donna left last week, I was lonely but it never really hit me and occurred to me until the first night that I realize I cannot call her the way (and as long as I want to), I cannot text her and get same quick replies I am used getting. Come Saturday and Sunday. The thought of being so different and unable to do the things you are used doing like chat over coffee, strolling or watching movies or fireworks or just driving around make you insane more than the thought of being one. It was so melancholic that you cannot even tell yourself to sleep it over. You want to cry and scream but who would hear you? You want to talk to someone but your permanent and only audience is not around, you want to embrace and make someone feel your affection but its object is absent. Now, you convince yourself you are not lonely. No, you are not.

When the night comes, when your idle hours toll, you text and get no quick replies, no sudden calls. You have to wait, and you have to budget of course the expensive rates. It was difficult but you have to bear with it. Sometimes, I ask, telecommunications company don't connect. They connect people conditionally. Only if you have money to spare for some precious words. You can't even hear. But this is the reality of life, one must leave and one must stay.

For me, I will exhaust all my resources to get connected, take all my money to buy me a plane ticket and be there, just be there, and feel her and be with her even for some days. Those will be so precious, but I know, it will always be worth it.

Counting costs for a loved one is not really costly after all. When you realize staying in a mental instiution is more expansive than spending on travel costs and cellphone loads.

Just thinking aloud.