COURTSHIP 101

I am writing this letter to explain my thoughts about “courting” or panliligaw in our culture. The thought, I told you disturbed me a lot. And I mean it. I don’t just beautify the words. I am disturbed and shaken with the idea and that’s true. Plain and simple. Let me explain in topics. I will try to write this as comical as I can to sidestep any misunderstanding. Let me show my point:

Ligawan: Every girl’s giggle machine?

Courtship in our culture is a very important aspect of romance. I do not negate the idea that this is pleasant and positive aspect of our romantic culture as Filipinos. In this period, the man has to show his ability to shower the girl all his affections he can call for, all in the name of the wound by Cupid’s arrow. It is during this time, the man has to pursue the girl to win her “yes” and that YES means the woman’s approval to the man’s bleeding love, a cure for him, and her accord into a relationship.

Of course, in the process of the boy’s “panliligaw or courting he necessarily has to put his best foot forward (off the cliff). He has to make everything fine and beautiful, he has to show he truly loves the girl. He must lavish her with gifts he cannot even afford, write her letters even that would mean re-studying his grammar and practicing his unruly penmanship. Not to mention, he has to choose the best stationeries available at National Bookstore (and would inadvertently buy Korean-made stationeries, whose English is horrendously murderous!).

Essentially then, while the boy displays his ostentatious and grandstanding affection, the girl would giggle all her stomach out, feeling as if, there is a butterfly sanctuary in her bosom. This is just a natural feeling—normal and plain. When one exuberates you with so much amour, one cannot help but to smile and cheer up, and feel as if she has been crowned Miss Universe 2005.

Grand feeling. No person in this earth would detest and would not feel happy and gay, if someone, who does not even blood-related to you in any affinity or consanguinity, bathes you with such lush affections! All of them would feel lordly with all these gifts, letters, texts and sweet words. In effect, this will be the girl’s “giggle machine”. Thus, the withheld YES would soon be said. Two scenarios are possible: Poor girl, the truth has yet to unfold or blessed lady, the guy would shower her more. That YES can mean the shattering of bolts of that “giggle machine, or the oil that will lead to the ringing of the bells on the hills.

Best foot forward is the wrong foot forward

Again, courting is benign act provided that no malicious end or unsure will of the heart is involved. I find it sweet and mesmerizing on the part of the girl. Social-psychologists say that “men are naturally initiators and women generally receptors”. This theory generally holds true especially in a romantic relationship. Similarly, courtship in this line follows the same principle. The guy has the need to initiate, and thus, he initiates the courting stage. The girl needs to be loved and cared for, thus, she would naturally be swept away by the heart-throbbing and assuaging initiation of the boy. Her receptive mode was turned on. The girl would give her YES.

One of the things that I raise as flaw of courtship (modern-Filipino style) is its “pretentiousness”. The guy would disguise, as the ever loving, loyal and untiring lover, where in fact he does not even know what he wants in life. He make his best foot forward, sweetly force the girl to enter into a relationship with him, where mutual friendship for a long time, and individual differences have not yet even been explored by both of them. The guy would naturally hitch on to his feelings of affection, disregarding his “will and capacity” to love the person just to satisfy her infatuation with the ladylove as his object of mortal flame.

The boy would show he can muster Herculean task of this and that, he can say abc’s to 1,2,3, trifling with the non-essentials without dealing the aspects of mutual friendship (which I have realized later on, as very very important in any romantic relationship), fidelity and loyalty, (the most painful reason of breaking up) acceptance (the No. 1 cause of many break-ups) and responsibility (the saving clause). He (the courting boy) would normally put his best armor not to win the battle but to frighten the enemy. That is not how to wage a war. He would show all his best possibilities to win a girl only to find out that those possibilities were just probabilities where chances are, 1 in every octillions.

Thus, why not show who he is? Why send flowers every week where he can only afford it once in every century? Why send her so many love quotes where he only meant is to be shallow? A boy must show, now or never, his true colors if he wanted to be loved of the person whom he is, and what he can be. Later, the girl enchanted by the romantic prowess of the boy will feel disappointed and hurt upon knowing that, what was shown is not really true and genuine after all. She becomes another victim of “broken-hearted syndrome”. I don’t say, those truly and genuinely romantic guys must hide under their mother’s skirt in fear. If they are true, why not come out in the open. If they can maintain and be consistent with what they can show and prove during the courtship and continue such acts until the day they die, why not manifest it lovingly early on? At anyrate, we need the truest people we can get nowadays. Who need liars anyway?

Essentially what I just wanted to say is that courtship is good act, but not to the point of not being true to oneself and lavishing a person of so much sweet-nothings and banking nothing to one’s character. In fact, it is harder to be a true friend once you have already labeled yourselves as courter and courtee (I don’t find any of these words in the dictionary, pardon). Simply because, the end goal of the courter (sic) is to win over the courtee. Adversely, who would show the worst in him where those negative traits would ruin his goal to win someone? Why show the roughest side, knowing that it shall only run against you and destroy your ultimate objective?

No guy would show he is disobedient, flirtatious, rough, lousy and all during the process of courting. Otherwise, this will be a minus point against him, and the chances of winning the lady as the prize would surely be a miss. No man in his right mind, in courting stage, would ever do that, unless he wants hara-kiri.

Girls on the grill: ZERO experience in courting

It is a wonderful thought being courted, I would agree. Being the center of the universe like the sun is savoring the Zeus-like feeling in Olympus alienated to a human a being. Imagine, having someone crazy over you is ego-boosting, girl-giggling and hair-lengthening (haba ng buhok) experience. But why do some girls never experience to be courted? Are they so grotesque not to be? Do guys think they are nuns? Or simply they don’t catch attention because boys think they are boys too? I have to make a study on that. But let me surmise.

Courtship starts when a guy feels something toward a girl and was not able to inquire how does the woman feel about him. Then, he would pursue her all his strength to know whether such affection exists, if it does, then it’s a rebirth of a romantic relationship, if it’s not there, then the boy has to suffer the risk he took---busted! That’s the dilemma the guy has to face---to inquire and find mutual love in his favor and delight or to dwell and be ejected on the girls heart’s premises. You either be rejected or accepted. Be a good friend for all that is you can be or be a lover and be more than that later.

Meaning, if the girl withholds her feelings then the guy is most likely to pursue. But, if she has not learned the art of being “pakipot”, then the guy will get him, easily as he bursts a balloon with a pin. Blat. Instant boyfriend in a minute!

Actually it is the girl’s prerogative, while the women of our culture are refrained from expressing their love, in other words they do not have the right to pursue, yet they are given equally the right to reject. The guys, on the other hand, are given right to quest and court, concomitantly, they have the risk of being discarded, turned down, repudiated, eliminated and all the words associated with being thrown out. That the rule, that’s the game.

So, if the girl easily expressed and gave her YES. No courtship will happen. Courtship is essentially wooing or pursuing. No wooing if there is nothing to be wooed in the first place. It follows then, that no pursuit shall take place if the prize has already been given, no fishing out and lavishing would be shown. The logic is simple: No thing will be searched if it was not hidden. If the feelings are given out as easy as saying “I like I cream”, then, why would the boy or any human being for that matter, make it hard for himself. Waste of time, resources and energy. “Look its here, why go and find it somewhere”. Scary, so one has to play the game of hearts well, the aces are hard to find sometimes.

Girls do not experience being courted because they either give the way out. That’s a mortal sin. I think, one should make it difficult for the tribe of Adam. These rabid men easily get fed up (“Magsawa”). Hard-earned girl is not easy to let go, as these rabid men would say. Playing hard to get is still the most serviceable method of testing the waters of men. Only that, they (the girls) are facing again two risks: one, the guy would stop for the contemptuous thought they have nothing to get out from it, or two, the guy would pursue her more, realizing the value of her character.

If the tribesmen will fall in the first category, rejoice! The stupid guy is not worth the “YES” prize (eh sira pala ulo nun eh), if they belong to the second category, hold it more a little and award the Trophy—your coveted love (tol, saya nun!). As caveat, Courtship length and endurance IS NOT a guarantee of fidelity and love.
You ask a boy who courted the girl for two years and finding another woman some months after. But at least if he endured the CONSIDERABLE length, the girl can conjure positively that the guy loves her.

Another thing is that girls are not courted because they intimidate the guy with their outspoken and stunning beauty and brain. Stupid men, who only wants the thing in between the legs, and the face, that outshines beauty queens. Some would be unnoticeably ordinary that though her face looks like the ladies and virgins of Harem, sadly, they are as blunt as dull mirror. But I suppose, despite the fact they are like that, and still someone got the nerve to court them, then, perhaps. There is something there somehow. I just don’t know what. It could be the panacea to all diseases or the pandora’s box of all evils. But most likely, it’s a box a chocolate. I like Hershey’s than M & M’s.

Courting is a fishing game: Bite to eat and be eaten out.

The guy would fish out. He puts on the bait, the fattest, brownest, tastiest worm he could ever find. Here comes the fish, hungry looking for food to eat—love and affection. She saw the wiggly worm as promissory love for her to consume privately and exclusively. The girl fish bites it. Voila! Her mouth pierced by the sharp hook, the guy raises the gear while the girl struggles to be off the hook, she thought a food tray for her. Now as she is being hurled in the air towards the basket, she faces the new waterless environment of hostility and insecurity. She gasps for oxygen in water but found none, she is flying on the air, mouth hooked on the metal prick, near the hands of the fisher guy. She was thrown in his basket with all other fishes, girls like him. Bad thing is, the worm remains there, untouched. The fisher guy lost nothing. But the poor fishes fooled by the fat worms of love and sweetness now striving to live impossibly in the man’s world. They have risked their lives, Only to be consumed to satisfy the fisherman’s hunger at dinner time. Their flesh eaten out, they can be cooked broiled or boiled, or with sashimi and soy sauce, be eaten out alive.

If they have only listened to Mother Fish, “never bite the baits of men, or your flesh be eaten”, they would have been there, still, in the open sea, perhaps, enjoying the other male fishes their own size, their bodies remain intact and their fins not for dine out the lazy cat.

Word of Caution: This is the game of courting.

Courtship in the trash can. Friendship on the bin

Courting is dispensed with whenever two individuals are involved in genuine friendship. In such scenario, the intensity of courting, if ever there will be, is lesser than those who were not actually friends at first. The reason is simple, by being friends, the guy almost know how the girl reacts to certain situations and how she behaves under certain conditions. Thus, the boy has more or less idea if he has hope in his hopeless love. Another is that, friends would normally know the actions and temperament of each other, and to deviate with these norms, which both of them have been accustomed to, would only create confusion rather than ecstasy that courtship brings. Most likely, even if the girl has this feeling towards the boy, the sudden sweetness and strange behavior of the man would infuse tension between them. Especially so, in our culture where, the girl is normally unreceptive with sudden mood changes and would generally evade shifts in relationships, excessively romantic courtship would be destructive than beneficial, I guess.

While the set-up above is the best way to have a relationship. Some unscrupulous males would use that to hasten the relationship less all the complications and the expenses that courtship demands.
The idea here is there is malice and bad faith on the part of the man. He would hide under the guise of friendship only to win a girl. Virtuous friendship can never be an instrument to a vicious end. Again, one should be a friend to a girl (or a guy) first before trying to have relationship with her.

And what I mean by friendship is not just short time of being together, not months, but perhaps years of being good friends. Many relationships fail, because what they saw and thought to be a good sheep is actually a fox in lambskin. Good length of time is the best fire to test the real gold from not. Time cuts like a diamond to another diamond. Do not trust men whom you have just known for a transient period. You do not know what you are heading to.

Courtship in capsule: 101

I have nothing against courtship. I have nothing against sending flowers, sweet thoughts, writing letters, fetching the girl uptown and downtown, giving chocolates, gifts and all other things. Those are undeniably romantic gestures. It can softly persuade a heart of stone and warmly influence a cold affection. However, the courtship between two people who hardly knew each other with the end of entering into a relationship is fatally flawed step. The relationship between two individuals acting upon a fiery impulse is more likely to burn, to break or to collapse. In any way, no relationship between two people who hardly invested on character rather only in prevalent and superficial gusto can stand before the trial of difference, space, time and adversity. Definitely such relationships are proceeding toward great perils of exploitation (physical, emotional or sexual), deceit and frustration.

Not to sound as if I am the relationship guru (in fact I have so many flaws on my own), relationship is best grown in the gardens of genuine friendship, camaraderie, honesty, understanding, transparency, commitment, love, hope and faith. At anyrate, those sweet somethings, can still be expressed inside a real relationship with no pretension at all, in any given time.

While the idea of giggle and charms the courting process brings to mind is spellbinding and bewitching. Girls should not forget that it is more blessed to have imperfect true lover than seemingly faultless pursuer. The girls have to be very keen and sensitive, they have to evaluate and test the men who offer the stars and the moon. They might just be fools who did not become astronauts.

On the other hand, I do not subscribe to the idea that courting should be eliminated as an important part of mutual romance. Instead, courting should be done in a friendly, honest and pure way, with no malice or deceit or any unsure feeling on the man’s part. One should not court any girl unless he is absolutely sure in the present and in the future that he really and genuinely love this person. Unless and until he becomes sure of that, no man has any business asking for any relationship from any daughters of Eve. No man should pursue anyone simply because he likes her, and she might click on with him. I maintain my view on this matter, relationship is not a trial and error period. It is still the only way to prepare for marriage in the future. One has to break if God reveals otherwise. In that sense, romantic relationship, as I have proven is not a factory of happy, good and beautiful things. Without love and commitment, after all the butterflies in the stomach had died, when the bells don’t kling and klang, the affections so dear will rot—misery , pain and grief shall toll.

Now, would you rather be purely and kindly befriended or sweetly and deceitfully courted? Remember you cannot have both worlds.